Even when they're screaming. Even when they're fighitng. Even when you're involved. Even when you're not. Even when you're crying. Even when you're hurting. Even when you've hurt someone else. Even when you're nervous. Even when you're anxious. Even when you're afraid. Even when you're dying. Even when you're too loud. Even when you're too silent. Even when you're just you.

It would be too easy to just give up and walk away. Once you turn your back, it has you. Whatever it is.

I'd rather take it to my face every day, every hard day, whether it lashes out or just slaps me. I'd rather take the beating than give it myself.

Many see that as selfish. Even I see that as selfish. But right now, just let me have that one wish. Just let me face things alone.

Do you want to know why I'm not active on this site anymore? Why I haven't been snapping pictures or writing anything? Your radical Christian has hit a low in life.

I just want to go somewhere else, far away, where I can be alone with God. Sometimes I feel like I'm more lonely in a crowd than in my room by myself.

I get so worried that I'm hurting the people around me. I'm seriously freaked out by that. I'm not used to people. I'm trying to not use that as an f'ing excuse, but you know what, it's the truth.

People can be so damn cruel. Every day, somebody's spreading a rumor about you, or accusing you of things you never did, or insulting you, or shooting you down, or using you to an abusive point in life, or demanding too much or wishing you dead. And right now I'm in too much pain to give anyone anything anymore, and that is killing me because I want that energy again! I want to laugh with my friends again and know I'm doing okay around them!

But no! I'M JUST TOO SCREWED UP TO EVEN CARE!!!

SO go ahead! To those who wish me dead, keep wishing! CUZ I'M STILL LIVING! And you can't stop me! Yeah I'm totally screwed over by everyone else's terms but hey, God still loves me! I know He does!

I don't care about your lies! I don't care about your whiny "my life sucks" attitudes! I'm in pain just like you! And just for a reality check- A WHOLE HELL OF A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE WORSE OFF THAN US!!!

So if you shut up, then I will too.

Anyway, rant's over. I'm feeling better already.

God bless
-Shandy