What I am about to tell you is a true story that occured at around 11:30
P.M. on January 14, 2007.
But first, a quick background of myself before this.
For about five years at most I have had things happen inside of me that
have caused me in recent days to be one of the many people who have problems
with depression, anger, and other raging emotions. Maybe it's hormones, maybe
it's not. But it has led me into cutting and saying horrible things,
including suicide. I was lost in a void of darkness, and I began to believe
I had no way out. I felt like nothing was right and that there was only
this void to live in.
Then came the night of January 14.
I couldn't fall asleep. I felt sick and worried about something, as if
something was bad coming. But instead of turning on a nice, peaceful CD
like I usually did, I turned to Evanescence. I don't know why, but I had an
urge to hear her song Tourniquet (a song about commiting suicide).
Normally, this song doesn't bother me. But that night, as I listened to it,
something happened that I didn't expect. I saw a vision, or something near
being one. (Remember, this is real)
I was at my funeral. I had commited suicide. And you all
were there. I had always believed before that if I died, you'd cry and move
on. It seemed natural. But this was different.
I first saw one of my former friends. She was in tears, but
not like I had ever seen before. She was saying things like, "Why did you
do it, Andi? Why the hell did you do it?!" I felt horrible. I felt sick
watching me betray my own friend.
But it didn't stop with her. No, it continued. I saw my little brother, his face
tear-stained and red, looking up at my crying parents and asking in his
quiet voice, "Why did she die daddy? Why?" And it continued. Every
person's face flashed the hurt from my own betrayal, my own selfish act! It
was so real, but it was not a dream. I was wide awake for it all, but how
it hurt me. I felt like such a sinner, like such a traitor to all of you!
It hurt so much to watch this. I was crying so hard, harder than I ever
have before in my life. Things fell out of my mouth as I tried to speak,
only choking on my own words and tears. I knew I was living what would
happen to you all.
It started in a whisper, then grew to a yell. "I will not die! I will not
kill myself! I will not die!" And every time I said this, God's own great
energy filled me. A new confidence, a new hope filled me, and I knew that
the void I was lost in was broken by God's great light!
I say it now and swear, those selfish thoughts of suicide are over! I am a
new person, a stronger person, and I will face my life as this new fighter.